Conversations with Tophceratops Bailey

Tophceratops: Mommy my nipples are really sore... 

Me: They are? 

Tophceratops: Yeah... I think it's time I start wearing one of those bra things like Abby. 

Me: (awkward silence).... I'm not sure how to explain this one....

Tophceratops: Whats to explain? My nipples hurt really bad. (Mind you this boy now takes my hand and caresses my cheek with his other hand) I'm growing up. 

Me: (try not to laugh shumane... Hold it together somehow) Well it's just that I'm pretty confident that you're nipples hurting at the moment is completely unrelated to you needing to wear a bra. 

Tophceratops: I don't understand. I'm pretty sure I'm growing boobs. 

Me: I'm sure you're not Topher but I'll cross my fingers...

#thisboy #hesgrowingboobs #hesnotgoingtoletitgo #IMiGhtHaveToBuyHimaBraJusttoShutHimUp

Lol

Conversations with Tophceratops Bailey

Me: stop it Topher!

Topher: haha! NO!!!

Me: I'm serious! Leave me alone! 

Topher: what are you going to do about it?!

Me: for real? You want some of this little man? You want to take this outside? 

Topher: sure mama! What are you going to do to me outside?

Me: I'm going to kick you in your elbow! (Tophers draw drops) I'm going to kick you in your elbow so hard and so soft at the same time that you won't even know if it hurt or not. And then 5 minutes later you're going to realize it did hurt and then your going to be mad. You want that?! 

Topher: (shakes his head fast) no no no! I'll leave you alone

Mama 789 Topher 111

Conversations with my son

I'm trying to get him to fall asleep and as usual he is "scared" and doesn't want to sleep alone. Aaaaannnd scene!

Me: come on Topher butt, I'll lay with you for a while but you have to at least close your eyes and try to fall asleep. 

Topher: but I'm scared. Why can't I just sleep with you?

Me: because I'm not even going to bed yet. Besides you are a big boy, Just tell me what is so scary about sleeping by yourself.

Topher: I just don't want to be alone when the killer comes!

Me: killer?! No killer is going to come baby!

Topher: uh huh! The serial killer!

Me: what makes you think a serial killer is going to come?

Topher: duh mommy. Everyone knows that serial killers love cereal and so they find the people who have a lot of cereal so that they can kill them and take all of the cereal! You know cereal killers!!

Me: wooooowww.... Well I admit we do have a lot of cereal 

Topher: a LOT of cereal! You see why the cereal killers would come?! There are just boxes and boxes everywhere!!!

Me: well baby, let me reassure you that no killers are coming and the reason we have an alarm system, 2 baseball bats, and a handgun in the house is so that if anyone tried to come here and mess with our cereal they'd be sorry. So go to sleep okay Topher butt.

Topher: you are the best mommy, mommy. You think of everything. Just make sure that if someone tries to come take our cereal that they don't mess with my crunch berries or apple jacks ok.

Me: you got it dude! (Which of course is my full house throw back that Topher never picks up on because he's lame and was born in the 2000's)

End scene!!

Conversations with my daughter: playing heads up

We are playing the game heads up and abby is trying to get me to guess the names of kids movies. 

Abby: it's these kids that go to a planet to look for treasure....

Me: treasure planet?

Abby: yep okay so Ralph wrecks everything...

Me: wreck it Ralph? 

Abby: correct!

Me: I'm pretty sure you have to give me clues without saying the words in the title...

Abby: oh okay. Okay she's brave and has orange hair

Me: brave.... I repeat again you're just giving me the answers...

Abby: the toys that move when no ones around, it's their story...

Me: sigh... Toy story...

Abby: she's a mermaid and she's little!

Me: the little mermaid. But Abby seriously stop saying the answer lol, I'm supposed to guess. 

Abby: it's not my fault you suck at this game....

Lmao

Conversations with my daughter

Abby: I'm thirsty.

Me: well finish that boogerberry drink Steve got you. That sounds delicious by the way.

Abby: yeah it doesn't taste like boogers actually, more like apples or something.

Me: what?

Abby: I'm just sayin I've tasted boogers before and it doesn't taste like boogers at all. 

(We all look at each other and then back at abby)

Me: you've tasted your boogers before you say? 

Abby: yeah..... They go in my mouth sometimes

Me: ewwwwww!!!

Abby: oh please mommy, you are SO much grosser than I ever could be!

Me: touché 

Conversations with my daughter

Me: that was fast! (Abby has just returned from the bathroom)

Abby: well I was going to poop but the toilet paper here is crappy so I'll just wait until we get back to the hotel.

Me: the toilet paper was too crappy for you to wipe crap on it is what you're saying?

Abby: yes......

Me: what you're literally saying just so I'm clear is that you took one look at this toilet paper and said nope, I can't wipe crap on this crap?

Abby: exactly

Me: I'm intrigued to see this toilet paper

Abby: not much to see its thin, real thin, like super thin

Me: your moms thin, real thin, like super thin 

Abby: that toilet paper was way thinner....

lol

Conversations with my son Christopher

We are playing the favorites game. (Of course this was Abby's idea)

Me: Chris what's your favorite activity? 

Chris: Pooping!!!

Me: seriously?! No I mean like what's your favorite thing to do?

Chris: Pooping!!!!

Me: maybe you don't understand the question, I mean like if you could pick anything to do, what would it be?

Chris: I understand the question mommy. I don't think you understand that the answer is still pooping!

Me: you're ridiculous...